Connections in the Missed

So last year 'round Christmas time my friends and I got together and decided we wanted to make something. What? We had no clue. We thought we'd start by calling ourselves a writing group. It has since morphed into this. I present you all with ......dun duh duh duuun!!! (those Disney fairy tale king/queen horn thingies are played by blonde cartoon horn players in red tails) Left Right Seven !! (website by Susan Joy Designs) Our first series of web videos is called "Missed Connections" based on the same named section of craigslist! What is a missed connection you may ask? Here is an example:

4pm, L.A., A dude walks into a library with a bowl of mac n cheese and is wearing a "Who Dat?" Saints t-shirt. He spots a girl wearing ballet flats and a jaunty hat reading "A Clockwork Orange". They exchange glances. Dude goes to the bathroom and when he comes back, jaunty girl is gone! He goes online and posts "I was the guy in the L.A. library at 4pm today with the mac n cheese and the Saints T. You: jaunty hat reading clockwork orange. Maybe we can join forces one day..email me back here if you see this!"

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that a) she was even looking at him to begin with b) she is going to go online to see if HE wrote about her? Right? Well, what we do at LR7 is take these missed connections and interpret the given situations, using the posting's EXACT wording. It's craazy fun!!

Together we've written directed, acted, edited, written music and are now in the process or marketing these vids (16 shot so far!)...

Won't you take a look?

Double Rainbow LOST FOOTAGE

So, yeah, we did this 2 months ago during all the Double Rainbow guy hype. I just watched it again and truly love this little nugget of random...Enjoy....

My very short review of "The Other Guys"

"The Other Guys" was like that new friend who you're all hot and heavy with at first and then a few days into knowing this person, they show up at your door drunk at 4am crying about inane crap and ask you to help them move and drive them to the airport.. at which point you just wanna be like..."Look you, I love that you are the ONLY other person who gets my 'Peanut Butter Solution' references and that we both had perms in 7th grade, but clearly I've made an error in judgement here, so get off my doorstep and go write a one-person show about yourself. I think that's a way better venue for all the garbage you're trying to vomit out on me. I'm gonna go back inside, un-pause "Cheaters" and just pretend this never happened.
Yeah, "The Other Guys" was pretty much just like that.


In other news...MICHAEL KEATON WAS IN IT!!!! YEEEAH! But it still was lame BOOOOO!

Clifford

No, I am not talking about the giant red dog that sits on the pages of children's bookshelves all across the world. I am talking about Clifford the 1994 Short-Grodin-Steenburgen film where 40 year old Martin Short played a 10 year old boy. WHAT THE F%CK?! Why was he playing a child?? Was Macauley too busy filming "Richie Rich"? There was no botox then! The dude had crows feet! I went to see this in the theatre and though I can hardly remember the film, I was very disturbed afterwards. And, sidebar, what was I doing going to see this film at that point in time? I was already in high school...I already had bangs...I was ... such. a. dork. Annnyway, I do recall at one point in the film, Clifford is being tucked in by his uncle(Charles Grodin)'s fiancee (Mary Steenburgen) and I remember wondering if they were going to have sex...which was so gross for so many reasons, namely my mind immediately went to Steenburgen tucking in a cooing baby-diaper wearing Ted Dansen in some sort of odd sex game. I think this film goes in the pile with "Problem Child"..yet another extremely disturbing "comedy" about a sadistic young boy who, for all intensive purposes, tries to murder his parents. Films about crazy young kids (even if they are 40) aren't comedies. They should, however, be used as birth control in areas with a high rate of teen pregnancies. If you have sex, your kid will look like Martin Short and burn down your house! Take THAT West Virginia!

People who say "Samesies" (sounds like same-zees)..

instead of "I agree" need to be shot.

How has our vernacular become so cutesty lately? Can we PLEASE just go back to saying actual WORDS. I know, I know, I use the word "shizz" too often...and I will stop this. But what is this crap? "Literally" is used incorrectly on a daily basis, "like" is a relic left over from the 80s that needs to be canned and "for realz" is just plain bad spelling. Speak English, native English speakers! The urban dictionary is not a real dictionary! Valley Girls are now soccer moms! And ebonics sounds ridiculous on you Justin Bieber! Ugh, I am so going to be one of those old ladies with an ear horn, yelling at children to get off my lawn....

Werd.

This hamster...

PERVERT!

The boulevard of broken dreams OR the top floor of Comicon

So, I was at Comicon with my husband promoting his 3D film Shockwave:Darkside and was mosying around the main floor with all the freaks. At some point, I tired of the smell of dirty nerd and meandered upstairs to a much less congested room with a bunch of metal chairs and tables set up in rows. I had not realized at this juncture that I had stepped into......THE BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS!

The layman calls this "The Signing Room". When you see media coverage of signings, it's super famous folks with a line going out the door, taking pix and smiling....these signings happen on the main floor with much attention and hub bub from the droves of face painted fans. The aforementioned signing room is relegated for those who've either passed their prime, or paid to get a booth in the hopes of making some extra scratch (and who can blame them, I'd do it if anyone cared!)

Here's the run-down of who I saw....in order of where they were sitting:

The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and Virgil from 80s WWF fame- My exchange with them was brief though I was very excited to see them. My father and I spent many a bonding Sunday afternoon watching their roid-filled antics so it was quite nostalgic for me to actually meet them. That nostalgia became nausea as I soon felt as though these men were beyond miserable and hated me. But I got a picture nonetheless!

The cast of "What's Happening?" - OK this was a big deal as I LIVED for this show growing up, but I could not get past the fact that Raj now looked like he was 100 years old and Re-run was gorging on seasoned curly fries. I could not walk up to them...I was frozen in fascination.

Malcolm Mcdowell???- Doesn't this guy still have a career?...Isn't he the one trying to ruin Ari on Entourage? This man is a phenomenal actor and it was really odd to see him taking money from people for his autograph. Someone clearly got caught up in the mortgage crisis of '09.

The Soup Nazi-- The actor from Seinfeld...Right next to Malcolm Mcdowell!! Clearly this guy does LOTS of these conventions, he had the most swag and life size stand-up cardboard posters of himself..and because of this, his booth was full. It was kinda surreal that this guest star from an early 90s sitcom still had any sort of following but, I think, as is the case with all the people on this floor, he is a novelty...kinda like a Pez dispenser (which the main floor has millions of..btw).

Shar Jackson- Kevin Federline's OTHER ex wife! She's not famous for anything other than being on Moesha and having babies with Kevin Federline. She was, of all the people on this floor, the most upbeat and bubbly. I don't know why but God bless her! and her babies!

Some guy who had a recurring guest star on a season of LOST-

This guy CLEARLY ordered too many headshots at Reproductions...he had STACKS of them, all different looks too, and had a look on his face like "please take one!" I stared for awhile totally confused as to who he was since he looked like one of the nerds from the main floor who decided he needed to have a booth, but apparently Rich had seen him at a few acting workshops they'd taken together. Good for you! You were a guest star on a popular show and you are takin it to the bank! Why was I never on Lost?!!

Some girl from one of the High School Musical movies - Not the famous one who leaked naked pix of herself. Some other girl. I actually studied her for awhile trying to guess who she was, then had to look above her head to see. She was sitting next to some guy who I think was also in High School Musical, though his name was not on the sign.

At this point Rich and I began talking about these autograph signers as though they could not hear us. Rich was like "Who's that?" I was like "I think she was in a Disney movie." We began to feel like zoo-patrons and the boulevard of broken dreams became the viewing area at The San Diego Zoo. It started to feel really ugly and odd. All these "stars" needed to do was start throwing feces. But we didn't stick around for that as we had to get going to Rich's panel.

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams made me feel really bad. It was like going to some museum where people who you've known from their 80s sit com are stuck behind glass, staring back at you, asking you for money so you can say "look at me, I met so-and-so, how novel..." and then you get to leave and go on with your life, while they are stuck, behind museum glass, so other patrons can gawk and point. Well...I guess I didn't feel THAT bad.....

In honor of my OUTFEST debut

It takes a real man to do drag. It takes a realer man to pay his taxes. (Sorry Wesley)

Kirk Douglas has still got it!

At least 'I'm-not-gay-Xenu-told-me-so' John Travolta seems to think so! Werk it!

Not okay.

He's clearly rolling a booger with his fingers. Guttenberg!

Retirement has not been good to Spiderman

With great power comes a pretty crappy HMO

When animals attack

Agility train this, bitch!

Why I hate facebook

Hey, guy I had a fabulous fairy tale fling with when I was 15, you belong etched in my memory as my Danny Zuko, wearing that leather jacket and flannel and living on the edge! I do not need to be flooded daily with images of your pot belly and bald head and hear about your band's album's availability on CDbaby! Certain people places and things need to remain where they belong...in our memories. Facebook erases the wonderment and finality of relationships that were meant to stay dormant and never enter your thoughts again. I cannot tell you how many times a day I am poked prodded or liked by people who, in my mind, are 11-17 years old. Maybe I'm old fashioned and most would say I am, but there is something so lovely about letting certain people lie peacefully in the recesses of my brain. I do not need to beat the dead body of friendships faded nor do I need to reinsert myself into other's lives who've clearly been fine without me all these years. Social networking takes the nostalgia and fun out of bumping into an old friend or flame. It takes the "I wonder" out of every moment of reflection on your social past. I'd go so far as to say it makes life a little more predictable. And that is why I hate facebook.

I give myself 2 minutes til I'm back stalking my exes. ;)

To quote Lisa Kudrow from The Comeback : "I don't want to see that!"

New meaning of the word HEADSHOT

"All right everyone be calm, here's how this is gonna go down. You are going to go outside and rip up that sign-in sheet and tell all those other actors to leave. Then, I am going to blow your mind with these "Biker Dude" sides. Then, you are going to call the production office of 'Zach and Cody' and tell them you've found their biker dude. Nice n slow and no one gets hurt!"

Way to take charge of your career dude!! Bra-friggin-vo!!

I've got something in my eye.

This is what happens when you watch too much porn.

Happy Monday!

The best part of waking up is toenails in your cup.

Happy fourth!

Love,

Tom (before he went all 'L. Ron')

Neighbors

Nope. Not talking about the Australian TV drama. I am talking about neighbors. The people that you meet when you're walking down the street. The people who have a band of 20 year old frat boys living in their backyard screaming the lyrics to "Slam duh duh duh" by Onyx at all hours while they build a stage for their "acting". I am talking about the weirdos who live upstairs and play bongos at 5am while moving furniture. Here's a shout out to all of them. I salute you. You live in a world with no rules or sense of others around you. You think the world needs and wants to hear your voice, loudly, at 2am. And here's to those who've portrayed you on TV... speaking of which, why don't you GO INSIDE and watch some?

This happened

and it was awesome.

Greatest movie insults of all time

Keep these gems in your back pocket for those occasions when you need the perfect way to tell someone just how much they suck. Enjoy!

Bitchin'

Doublemint rejects :( :( :( :(

Last night's "Chris Brown" shenanigans at BET!

Ok, so Chris Brown's star was a-risin' when he jumped into the spotlight. But after he beat the shit out of his then girlfriend, who happened to be just a BIT more famous than he, the dude was over. And that is kinda where's he stayed, barring his formal public "apology" that sounded like he'd coached with a BAD acting teacher who camps out outside of the bus station with a "Learn to Act" sign...love the mango suit...

Then, last night he has his "comeback". I am assuming the pre-show convo went a lil something like this:

Handler 1: So, your acting coach gave us this thing called a tear stick.

Handler 2: Pretty much you do your little Michael Jackson dance, then some pictures of "shit that needs to change" like the oil spill and people who lost everything due to bad weather and shit are going to flash on screen THEN.... your "comeback"...Cue, "Man In the Mirror"

Handler 1: It's gonna be hard...but we want you to take this tear stick and SHOVE IT in your eyes. Wait a second. Act like you are about to sing. Then just act like a blubbering idiot. The tear stick will do all the crying FOR you. Just move your face around like you're taking a BIG dump. Walk around the stage, fall to your knees, punch at the air. Try to mumble a few words, then just cry more.

Handler 2: After tonight, people will view you as a changed man, who's looked in the mirror, changed his ways...

Handler 1: No message will be ANY clearer!!

(Chris Brown ponders this, waits a BEAT...then: )

Chris Brown: And this will make it so I'm NOT an abusive prick?

Handlers 1 & 2 : Absolutely!

Here's the performance (hysterics towards the end of the performance):

Fannypacks to the rescue!

Hector breathed a sigh of relief when he realized the passersby had not noticed his moobs.

Hindsight is 20/20 part 3

This was always my favorite pic of these two. Just look at these adorable jean-clad kids in the 90s. Two rising mega-stars riding the wave of fame in matching white-trash couture. Both off to their first rodeo. Stars in their virgin eyes and love in their not-so-virgin loins. To think but a year later she'd hook up with their mutual choreographer, they'd have a dance battle in a club to mend fences and then both write songs about each other (Cry Me a River, What Goes Around and the surprisingly beautiful Everytime - which she has co-writing credit on) Then, he'd sail off for sunnier shores, leaving a trail of hundred dollars bills behind him and she'd become a barefoot mother of two. If only, Britney'd known what her choreographer/back-up dancer screwing would bring her....

Doesn't stop me from dancin my ass off to her music though! Siiiggghhh.....

It's my An-ni-vers-a-ry! (Said like Oprah givin' away cars!)

So in even more celebration than I've already had (Rich has been treating me as if I'm Veruca Salt pre-her 'bad golden egg' drop to hell), I give you Mike Meyers in all his Scottish awesomeness from one of my fave's of ALL TIME (I say that a lot huh?) "So I Married an Axe Murderer"

And just for good measure...how can I not....she stole my heart and my cat...

6-27-09

was the date I got married to this HOT dude Rich...

"Hi! I'm Rich, I'm insanely talented, cool and smart!" - Alissa doing a "Rich" voice

To celebrate: Here is our wedding video!!! :

Gone but not forgotten

Zima, a haiku

you were so bubbly

six of you went down smooth

effervesent puke

Sammi Davis and Beetlegeuse!

or shall I say 'Beetlejuice' was Tim Burton's follow up to his freshman film 'Pee-Wee's Big Adventure'.
This film's story, special effects, and whimsy (yeah I said it) are why I felt the need to break out into song during many a family dinner. And Alissa Dean blog alum 'Perv-Job Mcgee' Jeffrey Jones (Mr. Rooney) was in it. Along with a host of other way less pervy and much more talented folk. Below please enjoy the inspiration for my many table top antics as a child (and..erm..older child/teen/adult).....

OMG! and in my googling I actually found that Tim Burton originally wanted none other than Sammi Davis Jr. to play the title role! Check out this video of him at 6:

Great non sequitor Alissa! I never need to see that again!

Anyway, Sammi as the B would've been awesomely weird but alas, we were blessed with the insanely genius and quiiiiite underutilized Michael Keaton. Where the heck is Mr. Mom these days anyway...?

I took the liberty of ironing your homework...

So at first glance, the lesbian boy above is the dude who played Louise Miller's annoying younger brother in the fantastical '89 TV film "Teen Witch". What you may not know is that he is the half brother of lunatic on wheels/Lost Boy Jason Patric.


and speaking of "The Lost Boys" whatever happened to this dude? Alex Winter much?

OK, I digress...so, I looked up the dude who played Louise's brother and lo and behold I found out, not only is he half related to a Lost Boy, but he went to Yale, was a prima ballerina, was in Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation video, has won many literary fellowships and his mom was in playboy once! And he's Jewish!
And here we only thought he existed during Halloween re-runs.... Good for you "Joshua John Miller". Good fuh yew!

"We're going to die and I'm wearing my mother's underwear!"

"Do I know you? Nah, I couldn't possibly, you're wearing a pair of goggles!"

Mother's underwear. Amazing. Favorite line from the HIGHLY underrated follow-up to Grease....Grease 2!

This film was friggin BrazIIIILiant! First of all, you had a WAY hotter blonde heroine, Stephanie Zinone, one fresh faced and hot as the day is long, Michelle Pfieffer in her first real film role!

You also had the return of Didi Conn aka Frenchy, Sid Ceaser as Coach Calhoun, Eve Arden as Miss Mcgee and Dody Goodman as the idiotically lovable Blanche. And a whole new set of T-Birds and Pink Ladies! Including Lorna Luft (aka Judy Garlands daughter!) and pre-Bachelor Party Adrian Zmed (<----- anything you wanted to know about Mr. Zmed is in this AWESOME video) AND a very pre-Happy Gilmore/Shooter Mcgavin - Christopher McDonald (side note...saw him at an audition once...had to constrain my mouth from screaming "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast....you eat pieces of shit for breakfast? No!!")!!

There is so much I can say about the merit of this film, the music, the story, the ridiculously cheesy lyrics....the fact that there are songs about bowling, biology and the poorly masked identity of a classmate who simply wears goggles and rides a motorcycle and no one has any idea who he is because of this...but the truth is, the film just friggin STANDS UP after all this time. And I truly feel, sorry for the blasphemy, it's BETTER than it's predecessor. At least, it's a film that, if it's on TV, I will sit and watch the whole thing...and sing along....loudly.

Type cast

From day one, I had a type, minus my 1st grade crush on Wesley from Mr. Belvedere...he was the anomaly. Makes sense I married who I married, huh? Check this shizz out..in no particular order....

Wesley was the bad ass of the Owens household

Vinny from Doogie Howser...not afraid to admit it.

John Leguizamo - so hot in Romeo+Juliet

Had his doll and everything

1st cartoon crush...very disappointing

Ok...this one lasted AWHILE...like until last year...when I worked out next to him at the gym and he smelled like a friggin distillery....ugh.

I LOVED Desi...a lot.