Bitchin'

Doublemint rejects :( :( :( :(

Last night's "Chris Brown" shenanigans at BET!

Ok, so Chris Brown's star was a-risin' when he jumped into the spotlight. But after he beat the shit out of his then girlfriend, who happened to be just a BIT more famous than he, the dude was over. And that is kinda where's he stayed, barring his formal public "apology" that sounded like he'd coached with a BAD acting teacher who camps out outside of the bus station with a "Learn to Act" sign...love the mango suit...

Then, last night he has his "comeback". I am assuming the pre-show convo went a lil something like this:

Handler 1: So, your acting coach gave us this thing called a tear stick.

Handler 2: Pretty much you do your little Michael Jackson dance, then some pictures of "shit that needs to change" like the oil spill and people who lost everything due to bad weather and shit are going to flash on screen THEN.... your "comeback"...Cue, "Man In the Mirror"

Handler 1: It's gonna be hard...but we want you to take this tear stick and SHOVE IT in your eyes. Wait a second. Act like you are about to sing. Then just act like a blubbering idiot. The tear stick will do all the crying FOR you. Just move your face around like you're taking a BIG dump. Walk around the stage, fall to your knees, punch at the air. Try to mumble a few words, then just cry more.

Handler 2: After tonight, people will view you as a changed man, who's looked in the mirror, changed his ways...

Handler 1: No message will be ANY clearer!!

(Chris Brown ponders this, waits a BEAT...then: )

Chris Brown: And this will make it so I'm NOT an abusive prick?

Handlers 1 & 2 : Absolutely!

Here's the performance (hysterics towards the end of the performance):

Fannypacks to the rescue!

Hector breathed a sigh of relief when he realized the passersby had not noticed his moobs.

Hindsight is 20/20 part 3

This was always my favorite pic of these two. Just look at these adorable jean-clad kids in the 90s. Two rising mega-stars riding the wave of fame in matching white-trash couture. Both off to their first rodeo. Stars in their virgin eyes and love in their not-so-virgin loins. To think but a year later she'd hook up with their mutual choreographer, they'd have a dance battle in a club to mend fences and then both write songs about each other (Cry Me a River, What Goes Around and the surprisingly beautiful Everytime - which she has co-writing credit on) Then, he'd sail off for sunnier shores, leaving a trail of hundred dollars bills behind him and she'd become a barefoot mother of two. If only, Britney'd known what her choreographer/back-up dancer screwing would bring her....

Doesn't stop me from dancin my ass off to her music though! Siiiggghhh.....

It's my An-ni-vers-a-ry! (Said like Oprah givin' away cars!)

So in even more celebration than I've already had (Rich has been treating me as if I'm Veruca Salt pre-her 'bad golden egg' drop to hell), I give you Mike Meyers in all his Scottish awesomeness from one of my fave's of ALL TIME (I say that a lot huh?) "So I Married an Axe Murderer"

And just for good measure...how can I not....she stole my heart and my cat...

6-27-09

was the date I got married to this HOT dude Rich...

"Hi! I'm Rich, I'm insanely talented, cool and smart!" - Alissa doing a "Rich" voice

To celebrate: Here is our wedding video!!! :

Gone but not forgotten

Zima, a haiku

you were so bubbly

six of you went down smooth

effervesent puke

Sammi Davis and Beetlegeuse!

or shall I say 'Beetlejuice' was Tim Burton's follow up to his freshman film 'Pee-Wee's Big Adventure'.
This film's story, special effects, and whimsy (yeah I said it) are why I felt the need to break out into song during many a family dinner. And Alissa Dean blog alum 'Perv-Job Mcgee' Jeffrey Jones (Mr. Rooney) was in it. Along with a host of other way less pervy and much more talented folk. Below please enjoy the inspiration for my many table top antics as a child (and..erm..older child/teen/adult).....

OMG! and in my googling I actually found that Tim Burton originally wanted none other than Sammi Davis Jr. to play the title role! Check out this video of him at 6:

Great non sequitor Alissa! I never need to see that again!

Anyway, Sammi as the B would've been awesomely weird but alas, we were blessed with the insanely genius and quiiiiite underutilized Michael Keaton. Where the heck is Mr. Mom these days anyway...?

I took the liberty of ironing your homework...

So at first glance, the lesbian boy above is the dude who played Louise Miller's annoying younger brother in the fantastical '89 TV film "Teen Witch". What you may not know is that he is the half brother of lunatic on wheels/Lost Boy Jason Patric.


and speaking of "The Lost Boys" whatever happened to this dude? Alex Winter much?

OK, I digress...so, I looked up the dude who played Louise's brother and lo and behold I found out, not only is he half related to a Lost Boy, but he went to Yale, was a prima ballerina, was in Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation video, has won many literary fellowships and his mom was in playboy once! And he's Jewish!
And here we only thought he existed during Halloween re-runs.... Good for you "Joshua John Miller". Good fuh yew!

"We're going to die and I'm wearing my mother's underwear!"

"Do I know you? Nah, I couldn't possibly, you're wearing a pair of goggles!"

Mother's underwear. Amazing. Favorite line from the HIGHLY underrated follow-up to Grease....Grease 2!

This film was friggin BrazIIIILiant! First of all, you had a WAY hotter blonde heroine, Stephanie Zinone, one fresh faced and hot as the day is long, Michelle Pfieffer in her first real film role!

You also had the return of Didi Conn aka Frenchy, Sid Ceaser as Coach Calhoun, Eve Arden as Miss Mcgee and Dody Goodman as the idiotically lovable Blanche. And a whole new set of T-Birds and Pink Ladies! Including Lorna Luft (aka Judy Garlands daughter!) and pre-Bachelor Party Adrian Zmed (<----- anything you wanted to know about Mr. Zmed is in this AWESOME video) AND a very pre-Happy Gilmore/Shooter Mcgavin - Christopher McDonald (side note...saw him at an audition once...had to constrain my mouth from screaming "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast....you eat pieces of shit for breakfast? No!!")!!

There is so much I can say about the merit of this film, the music, the story, the ridiculously cheesy lyrics....the fact that there are songs about bowling, biology and the poorly masked identity of a classmate who simply wears goggles and rides a motorcycle and no one has any idea who he is because of this...but the truth is, the film just friggin STANDS UP after all this time. And I truly feel, sorry for the blasphemy, it's BETTER than it's predecessor. At least, it's a film that, if it's on TV, I will sit and watch the whole thing...and sing along....loudly.

Type cast

From day one, I had a type, minus my 1st grade crush on Wesley from Mr. Belvedere...he was the anomaly. Makes sense I married who I married, huh? Check this shizz out..in no particular order....

Wesley was the bad ass of the Owens household

Vinny from Doogie Howser...not afraid to admit it.

John Leguizamo - so hot in Romeo+Juliet

Had his doll and everything

1st cartoon crush...very disappointing

Ok...this one lasted AWHILE...like until last year...when I worked out next to him at the gym and he smelled like a friggin distillery....ugh.

I LOVED Desi...a lot.

How I accidentally learned about sex...

There should have been a GUIDE for parents whose kids stumbled upon the "telling your kids about sex" section of the Childcraft "Guide For Parents".

I see RED!

And it's not just Gene Wilder's fro!

Gawd...who DIDN'T want to be Kelly Lebrock?! I don't care that she gained a sh*t ton of weight. She already did her job! Being hot in the 80s. Heck, even I wanted to shower with her! Don't you?

Breaking News

What I learned:

1) He's probing

2) He's pushy

3) He's a perfectionist

4) I should really stop googling after midnight..no good comes of it.

**observation - This magazine was issued at a time when the publishers still assumed women read this publication.

I don't know!!

Sitting in front of my family's massive wood paneled television, watching the Canadian export "You Can't Do That on Television" is one of my earliest childhood memories.

At that point in time, I referred to the show as "Nikelodeon" because my brain hadn't developed to the point where I realized that shows had names.

But whenever I would waddle up to my parents pimp 70s tube and turn the knob, I'd click 3 magical times to the right to get to my favorite show.

What was it that captured my attention so? Was it the green slime? Was it Barth's method acting as he growled his famous "I heard that!" ? Might it have been my crush on a certain Canuck named Alastair? Or Lisa Ruddy's binge eating? Maybe it was a girl named after a moose?

Or could it have been an amalgam of all these fine elements, prepared into a fine stewy broth that created the warm feeling inside my pre-school self that I recall now so fondly.

To this day, whenever I hear the William Tell Overture my mind goes to the place of kids in lockers, firing squads and the thought that one day, just maybe, when I am particularly indecisive and exclaim such, slime will fall from the heavens atop my head. A girl can dream....