Clifford

No, I am not talking about the giant red dog that sits on the pages of children's bookshelves all across the world. I am talking about Clifford the 1994 Short-Grodin-Steenburgen film where 40 year old Martin Short played a 10 year old boy. WHAT THE F%CK?! Why was he playing a child?? Was Macauley too busy filming "Richie Rich"? There was no botox then! The dude had crows feet! I went to see this in the theatre and though I can hardly remember the film, I was very disturbed afterwards. And, sidebar, what was I doing going to see this film at that point in time? I was already in high school...I already had bangs...I was ... such. a. dork. Annnyway, I do recall at one point in the film, Clifford is being tucked in by his uncle(Charles Grodin)'s fiancee (Mary Steenburgen) and I remember wondering if they were going to have sex...which was so gross for so many reasons, namely my mind immediately went to Steenburgen tucking in a cooing baby-diaper wearing Ted Dansen in some sort of odd sex game. I think this film goes in the pile with "Problem Child"..yet another extremely disturbing "comedy" about a sadistic young boy who, for all intensive purposes, tries to murder his parents. Films about crazy young kids (even if they are 40) aren't comedies. They should, however, be used as birth control in areas with a high rate of teen pregnancies. If you have sex, your kid will look like Martin Short and burn down your house! Take THAT West Virginia!

People who say "Samesies" (sounds like same-zees)..

instead of "I agree" need to be shot.

How has our vernacular become so cutesty lately? Can we PLEASE just go back to saying actual WORDS. I know, I know, I use the word "shizz" too often...and I will stop this. But what is this crap? "Literally" is used incorrectly on a daily basis, "like" is a relic left over from the 80s that needs to be canned and "for realz" is just plain bad spelling. Speak English, native English speakers! The urban dictionary is not a real dictionary! Valley Girls are now soccer moms! And ebonics sounds ridiculous on you Justin Bieber! Ugh, I am so going to be one of those old ladies with an ear horn, yelling at children to get off my lawn....

Werd.

This hamster...

PERVERT!

The boulevard of broken dreams OR the top floor of Comicon

So, I was at Comicon with my husband promoting his 3D film Shockwave:Darkside and was mosying around the main floor with all the freaks. At some point, I tired of the smell of dirty nerd and meandered upstairs to a much less congested room with a bunch of metal chairs and tables set up in rows. I had not realized at this juncture that I had stepped into......THE BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS!

The layman calls this "The Signing Room". When you see media coverage of signings, it's super famous folks with a line going out the door, taking pix and smiling....these signings happen on the main floor with much attention and hub bub from the droves of face painted fans. The aforementioned signing room is relegated for those who've either passed their prime, or paid to get a booth in the hopes of making some extra scratch (and who can blame them, I'd do it if anyone cared!)

Here's the run-down of who I saw....in order of where they were sitting:

The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and Virgil from 80s WWF fame- My exchange with them was brief though I was very excited to see them. My father and I spent many a bonding Sunday afternoon watching their roid-filled antics so it was quite nostalgic for me to actually meet them. That nostalgia became nausea as I soon felt as though these men were beyond miserable and hated me. But I got a picture nonetheless!

The cast of "What's Happening?" - OK this was a big deal as I LIVED for this show growing up, but I could not get past the fact that Raj now looked like he was 100 years old and Re-run was gorging on seasoned curly fries. I could not walk up to them...I was frozen in fascination.

Malcolm Mcdowell???- Doesn't this guy still have a career?...Isn't he the one trying to ruin Ari on Entourage? This man is a phenomenal actor and it was really odd to see him taking money from people for his autograph. Someone clearly got caught up in the mortgage crisis of '09.

The Soup Nazi-- The actor from Seinfeld...Right next to Malcolm Mcdowell!! Clearly this guy does LOTS of these conventions, he had the most swag and life size stand-up cardboard posters of himself..and because of this, his booth was full. It was kinda surreal that this guest star from an early 90s sitcom still had any sort of following but, I think, as is the case with all the people on this floor, he is a novelty...kinda like a Pez dispenser (which the main floor has millions of..btw).

Shar Jackson- Kevin Federline's OTHER ex wife! She's not famous for anything other than being on Moesha and having babies with Kevin Federline. She was, of all the people on this floor, the most upbeat and bubbly. I don't know why but God bless her! and her babies!

Some guy who had a recurring guest star on a season of LOST-

This guy CLEARLY ordered too many headshots at Reproductions...he had STACKS of them, all different looks too, and had a look on his face like "please take one!" I stared for awhile totally confused as to who he was since he looked like one of the nerds from the main floor who decided he needed to have a booth, but apparently Rich had seen him at a few acting workshops they'd taken together. Good for you! You were a guest star on a popular show and you are takin it to the bank! Why was I never on Lost?!!

Some girl from one of the High School Musical movies - Not the famous one who leaked naked pix of herself. Some other girl. I actually studied her for awhile trying to guess who she was, then had to look above her head to see. She was sitting next to some guy who I think was also in High School Musical, though his name was not on the sign.

At this point Rich and I began talking about these autograph signers as though they could not hear us. Rich was like "Who's that?" I was like "I think she was in a Disney movie." We began to feel like zoo-patrons and the boulevard of broken dreams became the viewing area at The San Diego Zoo. It started to feel really ugly and odd. All these "stars" needed to do was start throwing feces. But we didn't stick around for that as we had to get going to Rich's panel.

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams made me feel really bad. It was like going to some museum where people who you've known from their 80s sit com are stuck behind glass, staring back at you, asking you for money so you can say "look at me, I met so-and-so, how novel..." and then you get to leave and go on with your life, while they are stuck, behind museum glass, so other patrons can gawk and point. Well...I guess I didn't feel THAT bad.....